7 years

Dear …,

It’s been 7 years this month since you left.  7 years.  I know you intended to come back and it’s not your fault that you couldn’t, but I still can’t help but feel a tinge of bitterness that you left me in the first place.  You left me there, without you.  I try not to be angry with you about that because you were doing what was right, but sometimes it creeps up on me and I wish I could turn back time and beg you to stay.

I remember that night.  The last time I saw you.  We sat in my car and I couldn’t stop crying.  I’ve never been good with goodbyes, but that was the hardest one I’ve had to endure.  The plan was for you to come back after a month, but I think my intuition just knew it wouldn’t happen.  So there we sat, in the parking lot, you refusing to leave until I stopped crying and me not able to stop until you had gone.  Even now just thinking about losing you still brings tears to my eyes and an aching pain to my heart.    After you left, I wasn’t the same.  I couldn’t find a lasting happiness.  I even tried moving across the country to avoid being reminded of the future we planned to have.  I found no lasting happiness there either.

And what if you had stayed?  If I or your family had been able to convince you to stay?  We probably would have been married within two years.  We’d have sweetly argued over my desire to stay in the city and your desire to live next to your family.  Did you know that my time with you was the only time I ever wanted children?  I had imagined our house constantly filled with music and language and art and love.  But you didn’t stay.

The last 7 years have been long.  A long winding road filled with both potholes and breathtaking views.  I have seen and experienced many things that have made me the woman I am today.  I suppose I was meant to experience these things, just as you were meant to go on to become the man that you are.  We have both changed immensely, so much so that we may not even be compatible anymore.  If you were to ask me to marry you today, I doubt that I would say yes because we would need time to get reacquainted.  But…that doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder some days whether we are still meant to be together.  Or if perhaps this time apart was only to make us stronger and more prepared for when we are both ready to try again.  Or maybe it is an experience we are supposed to learn from and let go.  If anything, I have learned what  a real love should look like and have vowed to not settle for anything less.

Despite the fact that so many years have passed, there are still times when I miss your voice so much that it hurts.  I miss your laugh.  I miss your passion for life and your creativity.  I miss hearing about your dreams and sharing music with you.  I miss your family and your culture.  I miss who we could have been.  No one has ever loved me the way you did.

I just thought you should know.